OK so everyone hears HCG they think how can you do that, it sounds so hard. Well I am here to tell you my friends everything you heard is pretty close to correct. IT SUCKS somedays. So let me walk you though a average day for Chan and HCG.
I get up go potty and step on that scale. (pray for a loss- sometimes I win sometimes I lose and not weight) then I step into my kitchen where my wonderful mother is mothering everyone and getting things ready for the day. She is making eggs, burritos, or a breakfast sandwich forever everyone. I talk a deep breath and say to myself it is ok it will be worth it. Mom says what can I get you for breakfast I say nothing a cup of coffee will be great thanks.
Then we start putting lunches together this is also equally fun for me. Mom is making sandwiches, putting in treats for the kids. Keith gets left over from the night before, meatloaf sandwich. .... Now let me take a brief pose here, I am sure your thinking meatloaf sandwich no big lose. Well friends I am here to say no. 1 my mom makes them soooooooooo good, and what til you cant have it and all of a sudden stuff you never gave a crap about sounds so good. lol........
But anyway back to my story. Then I get in the car with my brother who is eating the breakfast that mom just made him, fried egg and cheese sandwich which smells like heaven. OMG. I just want a bite. lol.
But then it gets a little easier I head into work and I have such amazing coworkers they are so supportive and they are very encouraging. I love them. But then coach says team meeting we walk in, mind you I have had nothing but coffee, and I have a lunch of chicken, lettuce, and tomatoes for lunch in about 3 or 4 hours. Guess what they have donut's and bagels. Now don't get me wrong I don't expect my coworkers to rearrange everything for me but, oh can I tell you I have a love of donut's like most girls have for chocolate. But I stay strong I say no thank you. I even pick out the donut I would eat if I could eat one.lol ..... WOW. it is hard.
Then I eat my lunch at work all is well I am full I am content I am proud of myself for resisting. I am drinking my water, running to the bathroom like 8 times in a 5 hour time span. Life is going good. I only have the food I brought so all is well I am on track I am staying on diet. I have drank like 5 glasses of water I am just thrilled because I am down 30.2 lbs. /42.2 since Dec. I am feeling pretty strong I have extra energy I want to go do stuff life is just dandy. \
Then it is 5 o'clock. Time to hit the real world outside the doors of where all the fast food restaurants start calling my name because it is Friday and every Friday Carri and I go out to lunch or dinner after work .................... PURE TORTURE ! I drive by 3 McDonald's and think how easy it would be to just pull in no one would know but me and the scale. But I resist I am feeling once again pretty proud of myself.
I think just have to get home I have fish pulled out of the freezer oh it would be so good with a little lemon baked in the oven ( mind you I really am not a big fan of fish and I am trying really hard to like it.) Whew I make it home walk in no one is there, then Ang calls and says hey lets go to dinner well just get ice tea. I want to go but I know I will not be able to resist. But I call Carri and say hey you up for LaFrontera she says sure.
So we go, yes people here is where the will power goes all out of me. DAM IT I could just kick my self in the ASS. ..... Now mind you I take full responsibility I could and should of said NO ANGELA NO but I was weak and I gave in again. I got there an the choice was in my hand then it was in my stomach. Mind you I could of just got the meat and sauce but no I get the beef enchilada again what the hell is wrong with me. Ang got shredded chicken with chili Verde only eats like 2 bites. I say to myself ok I ordered it but now I will just eat half of it . OH NO not me not this fat girl I dig in slow at first then I am like FUCK-IT I eat it all. Then we set there for like an hour while I watch Carri and stare at her beans and sour cream wishing I could just eat it. What the HELL is wrong with me. So then we come home me beating myself up , but at the same time with the mind set who cares I already screwed up. So then I dig into that left over spaghetti that I so skillfully avoided the night before. I only ate a small bowl but it was soooooooooooooo good. My dad always says a moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips. Then Carri and Neal had gone to the RITZ and got popcorn so don't worry I had a handful or 2 or 3 of that too. OH but don't worry I also drank 3 more glasses of water out of pure guilt when I got home also. I soon after went to bed with the huge burden of guilt and knowing full well tomorrow I am going to step on that scale and then cry.
I did gain today I am up .8lbs. now I ask you is .8 of a lb. worth so much guilt and angst I feel like crap about it. I beat myself up. I just want to be normal, I want to eat and not worry about it. I want to be able to find a happy medium. I want to loose this weight I cant weight to be skinny I dream of it . I am obsessed every waking moment is obsessing about my weight. This is all new to me people. I did not grow up like this. Which is why I ended up where I am at. FAT and hating myself. I never wanted to be this person. I don't want to hate myself for going out to eat. But it is a catch 22 because I want to loose this weight soooooooooooo bad now. It is work everyday. Nothing about this is easy. I am up and down in my emotions like a roller coaster. One minute I am so happy I am loosing weight and staying so strong and then the next I am freaking out about baggy ugly skin. I know that the .8lbs is not the end of the damage I did to my body yesterday it will continue no matter how good I am today I will still gain tomorrow and I just want to scream. It did not come on over night it will not come off overnight right.
I have to say this blog helps. Because I can get what is on my mind out there even if no one ever reads it or cares but me. Maybe it is just the idea that someone cares enough to read it. I just wish people would understand how hard it is to be a obese person. Nothing fits the looks people give you the, way you hear little kids tell there parents hey that lady is fat. HELLO LITTLE SHIT - I KNOW. I mean I try and play numb to all the dumb ass ignorent people. But it can get to you it can. \
Anyway this entry is taking a weird turn but that is the joy of a blog no one cares if I carry on. It is my story and I will blah blah blah all I want. lol Anyway here is to another day of challenges and hopefully I will stay strong and take it as a loss tomorrow. TTFN Chan
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