Carri and the Stripped Shorts.

I am Carri.  I was believe it or not a very thin child. My Mom used to laugh about how skinny I was.  At Age 8 My Mother was Diganosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  I became her sole care taker at the one age of Eight Mom was sick so I never wanted to burden her with my own troubles, So I turned to food for comfort. I always saw myself bigger than I was.  My Mother being very over-weight herself worried about my gaining weight.  At age 11 she took me to weight watchers.  I was so embarassed to go with her, I was the only kid there. I still remember my amount I was over 17.5 lbs.   WOW how I wish that was all I had to lose now. 

My Mom made food a battle.  She would reward me with food, but than would get after me for my weight. She taught me to not be embarassed of having a larger Mother, but at the same time taught me to be embarassed of my own weight!! She made mean comments to me and about me with others.  I hated her for it.  Yet I of course still loved her ,but was angry for her actions. 

At age 17 My Mom died. My Father went Crazy and My Sister turned into a "Mom Figure"  She lacked the Maternal kindess, and only told me what I did wrong.  I was so depressed and once againg turned to my same Friend FOOD!!  I had a date with Ben and Jerry nearly every weekend.  P-nut butter cup was my favorite!!  I did gain some, but looking back at my High School Pictures now, I saw myself much bigger than I was.  Than at 25 I was offically Diagnoised with PCOS.  Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome.  It causes ovarian cysts and Insulin Intolerence.  Also it can make you gain weight and make it harder to lose it.  I gained more weight. 

Than at age 30 the doctor found a massive Ovarian Tumor.  The Doctor used the word Cancer, go to an Oncologist.  I told Chan and seeing her tear up I did not want her to worry about me. So I turned to FOOD for support AGAIN!!! I tried to lose weight I joined tbe gym at work and I actually loved it.  My Friend Erika helped me work out and I even worked with a Personal trainer.  I had lost some and was toning up a bit. Than January 2008 surgery came.  The tumor was So LARGE...  They had to cut me open it was the size of a babies head!!  I could hardly move and again turned to food. I healed from surgery and went back to the gym.  I was doing great until November 2008 my side was just killing me.  I blamed it on working out. 

An ultrasound showed the tumor was back. I had to have sugery again!!!  It was so bad that the doctor told me he had to take the Ovary. Surgery again and I turned back to food.  The doctor put me on the Depo Shots.  Side Effects Weight Gain and Excessive hunger, but it was the only thing that would stop the cysts from growing.  Two short years later, the depo failed.  I had another cyst on the remaining ovary.  The tumor removed in 2008 was borderline cancer. Though I DID NOT want to have it done, Iwas out of options.  I had a total Abdominal Hysterectomy!!! February 08,  2011.   So yes recovering from surgery again. Also agaiin turning to food.  It is my choice to eat it is a strange comfort. 

I am so SAD about the fact that I will NEVER have a baby naturally. I have always wanted to be a Mom!! It was a hard decesion to make, but my body was killing me I had to do it. I know there is adoption and it is a beautiful thing.  Having kids and having a utereus makes you a WOMAN!!  I know this may sound funny but I do not feel like a whole woman anymore.  I am sure like all things time will  heal.  I just do not want to burden my friends so I do not speak about it.  My Friend Chan and her Family have let me stay with them to recovery and I appreciate and love them for it.  I feel like they already have to help me, So I do not want to burned them with my profound sadness. I will be ok....

I just feel being over-weight that guys will not want me, than add not being able to have children to that, it was a hard blow....

So there you have it.  I am 32 years old and really heavy.  My low point was being Diagnosed with Type II diabetes and having to sleep with a CPAP if I can go down by 60 lbs I may come off of my CPAP.  That is my first goal!! Insulin Intolerence did help me become  diabetic. I have not had Ben and Jerry forever.  Yet I do cheat with the ocassionaly candy bar. I should be cleared to go back to work and the gym in late March.  So I will hit the gym and work hard. I have a pair of stripped shorts. My skinny shorts.  I will have to loose weight to fit into them. Lots of weight.  If I succeed I will post a picture of me in them.  I should not say IF I should say WHEN..... That is all for now.