Today my blog entry is going to be a little different I want to tell you a story a story of a girl. This girl grew up happy more or less. She was always over weight and never really thought about it. In this girls home, she was never made to feel bad because she was over weight. So in return she never really cared about being over weight. Yeah don't me being over weight had it problems.
When she went to kindergarten the first day, some of the kids made comments and made her cry. So this little girl came home and told her mom, "Mom I am the fattest girl in the whole school, and she cried, now her mom loving her as she did wanted to make her feel better so she said what any mom would say right. OH no your not, not with Kids like Jacob Black (and to save this person identity and protect the Innocent I have changed his name ) , in your class. So somehow that made this little girl feel better to know that although she is fat she by far not the fattest. Life went on as I am sure you know it did.
Through out the years things had come up that because she was over weight things she may of liked to do like go to a school dance, the prom etc. or even just a simple date never happened. Because hey lets face it kids suck, they judged her by the fact that she was over weight. Boys in high school don't want to date the fat girl. But don't worry or feel sorry for this young lady she had friends and yeah sometimes it hurt to walk down the halls and have kids make rude comments or when she got to class not fitting in the seats could be a bit embarrassing , but even then she did not let it get to her. She felt good and loved and did not care except on rare occasions that she was so over weight. She don't ever even remember stepping on a scale really because it did not matter. She had her family and friends and she felt good and popular in her own group of friends.
Well life progressed as it did as it always does ,she grew up. She was over weight and always had been. She did not let that stop her being a happy person. As she got older she realized that if someone was making fun of her that was there problem not hers so she did not really care she was over weight. Except of course by this age she was wanting to go shopping for cute clothes and really just wanted a boy friend. Hell a date would of been nice she uset to think all the time. But like always she was still happy.
Then she started thinking well maybe I should loss some weight , join weight watchers and started trying. This would just be the first of many , many , many , many I think you get the picture many attempts to loss weight and somehow she just never really cared enough to follow through. She would loss for awhile and be doing pretty good but it just really was not how she was and she would eventually just be done with it.
When she would start gaining she was like well I hated that diet anyway, I am fine and just kinda slowly stop doing it. Through those years she meet a man who name we will also change his name and call him Tom Jones. She was never happier she finally done it she got a man to love her and want her without losing the weight with out being skinny. She know that it could happen, they got married and things were good for awhile. Then he was not a overly affectionate person, which she knew really before she married him but never really let it sink in because hey lets face it, he loved her and she was so fat so one else would right.
Then as the 1st year of marriage went on she started to feel that his lack of affection was due to her being over weight. Which lets face it maybe it was maybe it was not. It is hard to say really. Either way it did not work out and they divorced. At this point she hit an all time low and she just knew that being over weight was the cause of her divorce she just knew it.
But like always she bounced back from that and she was good she was happy again she had a job, friends she was standing on her own feet with a new attitude and she once again was like well fuck ( sorry about the f bomb it was just honestly how she felt and honest most days still does) them if people don't like me then that is there problem. Now here we are years latter and that same girl is started a new diet has a new attitude and I am here to say it is so hard. This girl has come leaps and bounds from who she was.
Well I guess I can't fool you that little girl is me !! lol I tell you this story to bring you to where I am today, I sit here all broken hearted and cryng over .6 lbs. sometimes I miss that little girl who did not care what the scale said. It is just hard because for the 1st time in my life losing weight means something to me it is something that I want. I am doing it because I want this for me. I stepped on the scale this morning and I was up .6 I burst into tears. This is so hard on so many levels 1st I have never wanted it so bad, 2nd I have never really cared before, don't get me wrong every person that is over weight at some point wished that they were smaller, but I have just never let it get to me. I put a happy face on and continue with my life.
I have always thought myself lucky, even if I was over weight there was always someone bigger, I never saw myself as anyone sad or pathetic I had friends, and people in my life that made me feel loved. I have a huge personality to go with my size and for the most part people like me. If I want to go find a guy to pay attention to me I can. I can find someone to kiss me or have sex with me if that is what I wanted to so I figured hey it is not that bad being over weight. I never hated my self. My self esteem has always been good.
Today not so much. This sucks it hurts. I hate this feeling. With this second round of HCG it has been different I have been hungry, and I cant seem to stay on diet like I should, and yes I can say it is because I am hungry but the new me knows that is just an excuse. I have to get a hold on this. I am not giving up. I just can't !!! I can't I won't !! I have been looking on line trying to figure out what to do so I am going to stop the injections today and I am going to do a mini load this weekend and see if I can get this jump started again. I am not giving up. This weight loss means way to much to me. This is what is the hardest part, when I have a big gain or I do stuff thinking that will be a gain and I do it on purpose or I know I royally screwed up that is one thing but when it is a little gain that I did not really plan to have it just hurts. Today is that day. So I am just going to try and get this weight loss back on track. I am down a total of 8.6 lbs today. I just have to get back on the wagon. I am just heart broken today !!! TTFN Chan
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